


It's Ketchup?

by destiny335



Series: Saphael Tumblr Prompts [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Daylighter!Raphael, Established Relationship, Fluff, Human!Simon, Humor, M/M, Married Couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-06 04:52:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11593317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destiny335/pseuds/destiny335
Summary: 1. I came home to find you covered in blood and you’re seriously trying to convince me this is ketchup?~Link to AU ideas: http://prettyboymaximoff.co.vu/post/163300698606/human-x-vampire-aus ~





	1. I'm Not That Much of an Idiot

**Author's Note:**

> Rating is Teens and Up for cursing

"What. The. Actual. Fuck?" Before him was his husband covered in... was that  **blood**?

"Why are you covered in blood? Holy shit, did you murder someone? How, in the past year we have been married and five years of dating you, did I not know you were a murderer? Shit! Are you going to murder me now? Wait, you would have done that by now, considering how much I annoy you and all. Okay, okay, I can deal with this. I can help you hide a body. Don't worry babe, we got this. Shit, I don't think I got this! Oh fu-"

"Simon. I'm not a murderer."

Staring at Raphael with disbelief, Simon just opens and closes his mouth. His features then quickly morph into one of anger.

"Then how the  _hell_  do you explain all the blood on you! And grab a damn towel too! You're leaving blood on the floor and that is damn hard to get out."

" _Mi amor_ **(My love)** , this is not blood! It's... ketchup!" Giving Simon his most believing smile, Raphael hopes and prays Simon will just leave this be.

He sadly does not.

"You seriously think I believe that you decided to cover yourself with ketchup? You, Raphael, Mr. I-Need-To-Keep-My-Hair-Perfectly-Gel-And-My-Suits-Perfectly-Pressed. I know you sometimes call me an idiot, but I'm not that big of one."

"But it is  _mi sol_ **(my sun)**! It was just a cooking experiment gone wrong. Nothing to worry about."

"I come home to find you covered in some mysterious red substance and you want me to believe it's ketchup? Yeah, no. Just tell me the truth Raphael. Why are you covered in blood? I'm not going to judge you and we can just sit down and talk this out."

Sighing, Raphael was about to plop himself down on the couch until Simon stopped him. "No sitting actually. You're covered in blood."

"I feel as if our roles have been reversed tonight." Standing besides the couch now, Raphael waits for what Simon has to say next.

"All I wish to know is why you're cover in blood. That's it. No more questions after that. I promise."

Both of them knew that Simon most likely will ask more, but Raphael just let out another deep sigh and said,

"I'm a vampire."


	2. We Don't Sparkle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3\. You saw me watching Twilight and now you won’t speak to me, I swear it was on that channel when I turned the T.V. on!
> 
> ~ Link to the Aus: http://prettyboymaximoff.co.vu/post/163300698606/human-x-vampire-aus ~

"You're a  _what_?"

"A vampire?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?" Staring with disbelief at his husband, Simon didn't know whether he should believe Raphael or not. Raphael has never lied to him before (or well at least with something this big), and he looks truly sincere about this, but a _vampire_! Are those things even real? Simon had so many questions like are werewolves also real and how does he even eat? Well obviously it is a person since he's covered in blood! Oh man, will he be the next meal? Has Raphael ripen him up all these years to be the perfect snack! So many thoughts ran through his mind that he ended up just blurting out,

"So you can't feed on me anymore because I'm a virgin, right? 'Cause you know, you  _are_ the one who took my virginity so like, that was kind of stupid of you to do so since now you can't feed on me. Then again, at least now you can't feed on me. And what happens when there are no more adult virgins left? Like, are you going to start sucking on babies and kids? And do vampires only suck on the gender they prefer? Wait, have you been ripening me up for the moment you finally reveal yourself so that you can suck my blood. Look babe, I'm not actually that tasty, although you think my asshole is. But that's besides the point. Just... how come you haven't stopped my rambling yet?"

While Simon was rambling, Raphael just continued to stare at him with admiration, a soft smile on his face. This was the man he married and he doesn't regret it one bit. He loves how Simon's mind works and how he can think so outlandishly things. "Why are you staring at me like that Raphael? It's kind of creepy considering you're covered in blood and all."

Shaking his head, Raphael sighed once more (cause he seems to do that a lot) and said, "I don't feed on virgins. I usually feed on animals. So that's already all your questions answered. And I can tell you more, but dried blood feels very weird and I was just about to take a shower before you came so give me like five, ten minutes and we can talk some more, okay?"

In shock that Raphael truly is a vampire, all Simon could do was nod. Waiting for Raphael to get back, Simon launched himself on to the comfy but somewhat lumpy couch. Processing everything that just happened, Simon couldn't believe his own husband is a vampire. How old is he, because whatever age he is, he looks great for it, passing off as a twenty-seven year old. Oh man, is Raphael never going to age? Is Simon going to be seventy and looking like eighty while Raphael is who knows what age and still looking like he is twenty-seven? Oh my gosh, Raphael is going to leave him.

Wanting to have these thoughts leave him for just a little bit, Simon grabs the remote and turns the TV on. The first thing he sees is a buff man sparkling in the sunlight.

"Are you seriously watching  _Twilight_? After what I just told you?"

Turning so fast, Simon swear he got a whiplash, he sees Raphael with his arms crossed and a playful smile on his face.

"I swear to you I wasn't! I just turn the TV on and that just so happen to be on! I promise!"

"Uh-huh."

"Come on Raphael! You can't be like this with me! You promised you'll tell me what the hell is going on."

Going to sit on the couch, Simon instantly cuddled into Raphael, looking up expectantly.

"Well for one thing, we don't sparkle in the sunlight." Laughing at his own little joke, Simon punched him lightly in the arm.

"You're an ass sometimes."

"But I'm your ass."


End file.
